the first kiss

KISSING BECK THOMAS - BECK'S POINT-OF-VIEW

There is zero chance I get through the day without Ezra confronting me about my attitude toward Vivien earlier this afternoon. So far, he’s been patient and even a little accommodating over my poor mood, but there’s no chance he lets me slide that much. I’m not positive why I was snappy and mean, besides the obvious pain in my wrist and loss of my potential career, but it isn’t like she did anything wrong by playing with our dogs.

I groan and head downstairs while Ezra is busy working on Rafe’s game with him. I’m a little hungry, so I head to the kitchen to see if there is any decent pizza left. Not that pineapple junk Vivien likes. Maybe if I text her an apology for being rude, she’ll tell Ezra and I can avoid a long, drawn-out monologue about how great she is, how I should give her a chance to get to know me better so we can all be friends, and live happily ever after.

There’s no pizza left. My stomach growls at the scent of it that still lingers in the air, but someone knocks on the door, pulling my attention from the grumbly beast in my stomach. Even though it’s probably one of our brothers who forgot his key, I can’t help sighing out loud and getting more frustrated with…everything.

When I pull the door open, I blink and look down. Expecting a brother, I vastly underestimated the height of the person on the other side of the door. When Vivien’s face pops into view—complete with an utter look of devastating nausea—I’m confused.

“Uh…hi? What are you doing back?” That came out meaner than I meant for it to, but she literally just left an hour ago…and she never knocks.

“Hey,” she says. “Um, I was just…I um…Listen, I know things have been a little off since last night, but I, um…wanted to tell you that…” She waves her hands a lot and looks down at her shoes with a little shrug.

Things have been off? Well, yeah, I guess they have been a little, but between us they’ve been pretty much the same.

Actually, no they haven’t. She fed me a cheeseburger while I sat in a hospital gown after the most devastating injury of my hockey career. Before I have a chance to address either issue—the cheeseburger or the fact that we’ve always been testy with each other—she launches up on her tiptoes and throws one arm around my neck. I have every reason to believe she is about to put me in a death choke hold, which tenses my body so much that she has to hold on tighter.

What is happening right now? I’m not crazy about the thought of fighting for my own life against my twin’s best friend, but if she’s trying to remove me from this earth, she’s doing a fairly terrible job. Another glance at her gives me more information, but it doesn’t clarify anything. Her face is tipped back, eyes slightly closed, lips parted as if she’s expecting to be…hugged? Or…kissed?

Um, maybe those pain pills are stronger than I thought? No, she’s tugging me closer. Her face is right up near mine, which if I remember correctly—and who knows at this point—that’s not how one hugs. It’s how one prepares for a kiss.

Ah, why not?

Grinning, because this is insane, but I kind of want it anyway, I pull her against me and kiss her. This is crazy. She’s completely lost her mind. What is happening?

I’m gentle with her, slow and steady because none of this makes sense. She’s warm and soft and so sweet, three things about Vivien Mays that I knew but forgot somehow. And she’s kissing me, willingly and purposefully. I don’t know why. Too many things have gone askew in the past forty-eight hours for me to figure anything out, but if this is what it’s like to make up for years of grumbling and arguing with her, then count me in. I’ve hit the jackpot.

Trailing my fingers over her shoulder, I brush over her cheek before toying with her hair. She lets me deepen the kiss and settles her hands on my chest. Kissing Vivien sends me into a time warp, one where I forget my brother’s home, forget we have a history of bickering and fussing, forget that I’m in pain and my future is unsteady.

I pull away for a breath, long enough to know this is still what she wants. When she doesn’t retreat, I kiss her again, leisurely so I can let the moment sear into my brain forever. I don’t know what comes next, what this means, but it feels like the beginning of something I couldn’t let go of if I wanted to. And I don’t. I can’t. This kiss shifts my entire reality.

Vivien sighs into the kiss and grazes her hand over my arm. When her fingers hit the rough cast, she freezes. She doesn’t move a centimeter for a few breaths, then she gasps and steps back, eyes roaming my face as if she’s never seen me before in her life. Another gasp rips me back to reality and she covers her mouth before stepping back again. Stumbling, she nearly falls backward off the steps.

“Easy,” I manage to grind out as reality not only yanks me back to the present but tells me everything I need to know. I help her stay upright while I try to process everything that just went wrong. Horribly wrong. She wasn’t kissing me, not in her mind. She was kissing Ezra, and I have a bad feeling I’m about to pay a steep price for her mistake.

“I…I…I’m fine.” She wiggles free, and her cheeks brighten.

My heart deflates. I can’t let her see that it bothers me. Nothing, not even death, would be worse than her thinking I thought she was here for me. Nothing. I smirk and lean on the doorframe, working hard to figure out how to play this off, minimize it so it doesn’t blow up in my face.

“I guess this is the part where I can freely assume you thought I was Ezra before you invited me to kiss you?”

“I…I…” She mumbles through something I can’t understand and everything in me darkens and rolls like an incoming storm.

“Yeah, sorry to disappoint you, Viv, but Ezra is upstairs playing a video game with Rafe. Great kiss, though.” Why did I say that? That’s sure to get her going, which is the opposite of what I want right now. I sound like a jerk, which is the last thing that I should sound like when I know I was her first kiss. It meant something to her, something important, only she intended it to be with another man, and I can’t help that it stings.

“I have to go.” Vivien chooses the avoidance route and attempts escape, but I can’t let her run off thinking I took advantage of her. I didn’t. I would never do that to her, not even if she were my worst enemy. Which she isn’t. In fact, if she made a move to do it again, I’d kiss her into next week. I manage to wrangle her and pull her back up the stairs.

“Let go of me, you brute!”

Oh, for crying out loud. I brush hair from my face, which needs to be cut, and make sure she doesn’t fall down the stairs. “I’m not a brute. Don’t be so dramatic. So, you thought I was Ezra, and you accidentally confessed your love for him by kissing me. Could have happened to anyone.”

“Why did you kiss me back?” she shrieks.

Yep, she thinks I did this to hurt her, but shouldn’t she know me better than that? There’s no way around it. I’m going to have to take the hit and admit I thought she meant to kiss me. “I…don’t know. I guess…”

Her mouth falls open and eyes widen. “You did not think I meant to kiss you! Did you?” She does her best to fake confidence, anger, anything to prove this is entirely my fault. Okay, maybe it is a little, but I did give her a chance to stop the kiss. 

I throw my hands in the air. “Of course I did. You have never, not once, mistaken our identity. Our own parents mix us up sometimes, but you never do. How was I supposed to know?”

“Are you kidding me right now? Why would you think I’d kiss you? Why would you do that to me?” She’s screaming at me now, full on raged out, and I realize she fully believes I did this to trick her or hurt her in some way.

“Viv, if I had realized you thought I was Ezra sooner, I would not have kissed you! What kind of man do you think I am?”

She opens her mouth, no doubt with some venom-filled accusation, but instead of yelling it at me, she holds it in and takes a deep breath. “I’m…I’m sorry, that’s not…I didn’t mean it like that. I know you wouldn’t have gone along with that to mess with me.”

I drop my hands and try to gain some control over my emotions, which are, frankly, breaking down. “Look, it doesn’t have to be a thing, okay? We both made a mistake and I’m willing to pretend it didn’t happen if that’s what you want.” When she doesn’t respond, but stares at me as if there should be more, I add, “Unless you don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen, actually sit and talk it out with me, see if there was something to it, then I’m willing to do that too.”

Vivien stares at me a little longer, until I realize she’s staring past me and into the oblivion of her own brain, which must be glitching because she’s totally frozen. I brush my fingers over her upper arm and drop my hand when her eyes dart toward my face. 

“Viv? Did you hear me?”

She blinks and shakes her head. “Um…yeah. It was a mistake. I’m…I’m sorry.”

The front door creaks open all the way, and Ezra peeks out. “Vivien, what are you doing here? I thought you were going home to spend time with Lorelai?” Holy moly, I’m about to be killed by my own twin. All I can do is wait for Vivien to blurt it out and suffer the consequences.

“Uh…yeah…I forgot my planner here,” she says and shrugs.

“No, you didn’t. I stuffed it in your bag before you left. Sorry that you didn’t see and had to come all the way back.” Ezra squeezes between us while I stare at Vivien, confused because, man, I really want to kiss her again, but also because she’s lying to Ezra.

“It’s okay. Lorelai had to come out anyway, so it’s no big deal. I’ll see you in the morning.” Vivien hugs Ezra and they do their weird secret handshake, all the while my brain can’t seem to catch up.

“You okay, Beck?” Ezra asks, but I can’t speak for the rock in my throat. “Okay, then, on that note, I’m going to finish my game before Rafe cheats. Night, Viv.”

“Ni-night, Ez.”

Ezra heads into the house, leaving me staring at Vivien.

“I need to go. I’m sorry about…about that.” She waves the issue away and bounds down the stairs. She’s halfway to Lorelai’s car before I realize her sister saw the whole escapade. I can’t worry about that right now. I have to stop her, talk to her, figure out why I suddenly cannot think of anything but kissing her.

“Wait, Viv. Can we talk about this, please?” I hate how my voice sounds like I’m begging, completely freaking out over what she deems a mistake.

“Uh, what’s there to talk about? I kissed you, but I intended to kiss Ezra, which I’m sure you can guess means I have feelings for him. Please, don’t say anything, okay?”

Don’t tell him? I can’t process any sort of thought right now other than keeping Vivien here. The last thing I would do is tell Ezra while I’m still confused.

“I wouldn’t do that, but I’d still like to talk. Maybe tomorrow? Can we meet for coffee or something and talk this through?” What am I saying? Why am I asking her on a date? She hates me. We don’t get along. This is nuts.

She bites her lip. Her oh-so-kissable lip that quivers when she releases it. “I really don’t think there needs to be a discussion, Beck. Like you said, we made a mistake. Now I’m going to go kill Lorelai and eat half a gallon of ice cream before going to bed in misery.”

And there it is. Total annihilation, absolute rejection, and the end of any ridiculous thought I might have that there was something to that electrifying, perfect kiss.

There was, but she won’t admit it, and a guy can only take so many hits in one week. I turn on my heel before I say any of that aloud and head back to the house. Maybe after I process it, it won’t be a big deal to agree to her terms—ignore it for the mistake it was.

I watch Vivien get into her sister’s car, yelling and swatting at her before they drive away. But what was that stupid kiss? And why do I still want to get in my car, chase her down, and do it again? I kissed Vivien Mays, and I did not erupt in flames and turn to ash on my front porch, although one might argue that was one heck of a kiss. There were sparks. Definitely, there were sparks. And it wasn’t even close to the I wish you would go away kind of annoying flames that usually roar through me whenever she’s around.

It’s been a whole day since the cheeseburger incident, and I still can’t stop thinking about it. She was sweet and caring, and I realize that it has intrigued me more than it should. I’ve become obsessed with that stupid moment, and it isn’t because I’m bored and have nothing better to think about. I do. I have a lot to think about. I just can’t.

I don’t hate Vivien. I never did, but I don’t exactly fawn over her the way Ezra does, either. Great, she’s his best friend, but does that mean she has to be a part of everything we do? The woman practically has her own room in our town house, and while Rafe doesn’t mind, I find it more than frustrating.

I sigh and head inside because staring at the empty spot in the parking lot any longer will only make Ezra think I’m even weirder.

“Are you okay?” he asks as I shut the door behind me.

“Fine,” I snap, then take the stairs two at a time. Ugh, I didn’t have to bite his head off. He’s definitely going to know something is bothering me.

“Yeah, you sound great!” he shouts up behind me, then heads to the kitchen.

I’m not fine, not even a little bit, but I can’t exactly tell my twin brother that his best friend kissed me while thinking I was him.